Butchology

Butch Appreciation Day is August 18th.  In their honor I’m reposting this from some of my early writing.

Butch markings

Butch markings

Welcome friends. I love Butches. I’ve spent a couple of decades sampling from the Butch buffet. And that makes me a Butch connoisseur. A dedicated Butchatarian. A Butchawhoreus. I’m here today to demonstrate my knowledge of these fascinating creatures.

Listen up, Butches. I adore you. And I’m going to take some liberties here. This ain’t no Women’s Studies class. So don’t get your boxers all bunched up.

Butches come in a variety of flavors. I’ve used a random sampling technique over the years and have found that Butches cannot be defined by their style of dress, or even how they behave when mating. One characteristic of appearance seems consistent throughout. Butches are obsessed with their hair. But again, don’t be fooled by haircut or style alone. You must experience a Butch in a variety of settings before you can understand her true nature.

Some say Shane wasn't "really" Butch. I don't care. I want her anyway.

Some say Shane wasn’t “really” Butch. I don’t care. I want her anyway.

I’ve been fooled by appearance on many occasions. Thinking of myself as an expert in the field, I am always surprised when this happens. I’ll see what I think is a Butch. She’s androgylicious. Her personal hygiene products exude masculinity, and when I catch her scent, I pant like a dog. She shops at the Gap, Abercrombie, Androgyny ‘R’ Us. She’s athletically inclined, owns a tool belt, maybe a strap. She may have been called “sir” a time or two. I pursue her doggedly, only to discover a camouflaged femme who desires nothing more than to be taken. It is only in recent years that I have learned to appreciate these varieties. When I began my studies I was a Pillow Princess. I wonder sometimes if over time, I’ve been infused with Butchessence. There is a secret that some straight men and Butches all over the world have known for some time. Nothing is more pleasurable than using your skill and finesse to hold a woman captive. I have watched men and Butches alike give up their souls to keep hold of their women. I understand their drive.

Bona fide Butches have given me something that many people go their whole lives without experiencing. They have allowed me to understand what it feels like to be loved. Once you’ve been loved by a Bona fide Butch, everything else becomes an unreasonable facsimile. A Bona fide Butch derives her pleasure from releasing yours. They are hopelessly romantic, and loyal to a fault because their conscience would eat them alive if they weren’t. But don’t be confused. These Butches aren’t doormats. If you treat them like a Beck and Call Butch, you will soon find yourself alone.

The Butches ego must always be respected. Resist the urge to point out your Butches weaknesses. I can’t overemphasize this point. She will never appreciate this well-intentioned behavior. When a Butch reveals her inner softness, she has bestowed you with a gift. Do not take it for granted. Bona fide butches have a gift for giving, and their counterpart femmes are skilled in receiving. There are all sorts of variations on this theme. The right combination creates a fluid symphony, but when they are imbalanced the connection is short circuited.

Beware the Butch who detests all that is male. She embodies that which she abhors, and this alone will make it impossible for your love to penetrate her. When Butches are good they are very, very good. And when they are bad, you may find yourself in need of a restraining order.

Take a breath, Butches. Remember, I’m on your side, I know you are not all like this. Smooches.

My Butch's ball cap

My Butch’s ball cap

Do you see what I just did? Butch soothing. Get good at it. It’s an essential skill for those who desire to keep a Butch. Expect to spend a lot of time honing this skill. And please, don’t ever tell your Butch what to do. I know you know exactly what she needs to do, and when, and how. You must develop the art of creating circumstances that allow her to believe that it was her idea all along. Or you will find yourself taking out the garbage while she languishes on the couch. Always allow your Butch to help you in some way, no matter how small, even if you don’t need it. This is very simplistic, and you may disagree. But a Butch fears not being needed as much as you fear not being wanted. And don’t assume all Butches fix things. Some are entirely hands off in this respect. A handy Butch is still essential. If your Butch isn’t one of them, keep an ex or two around specifically for this purpose. I’m sure your Butch won’t mind.

Oops, I did it again. I’m sorry Butches. Now, how can I make it up to you?

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