By the time we arrived at the doctor’s office the next day, the migraine had intensified. I took a Vicodin in the morning but it did nothing. I knew I would be relieved of the pain during the infusion so I held onto the hope that the experience would relax the nerve pathway enough to release the pain.
The setup went much quicker because the IV port was already in place. Dr. T started the medicine and the initial effect was the same. I felt silly and relaxed and made jokes with my partner. We had made some changes to the room that I had suggested. First, my head was placed away from the door so that when it opened and closed it would be less painful to my heightened senses. I also laid on my side propped up on pillows hoping to avoid increased pressure on the nerves that were firing the migraine. Additionally, there was a noise machine in the room that I set to an ocean waves sound. The gently rhythm of the waves moving in and out was soothing to my mind. I also asked that anyone entering the room softly say their name as they entered so that I would not be startled by their presence or afraid of who they were. I also asked my partner to remind me, “It’s just the drugs,” if I indicated that I was afraid or thought I was dying as I had the day before.
The initial silly stage seemed to go much quicker the second day and within moments I was returned to the hypnotic state of the day before. It was interesting to note that the second the Ketamine began to take effect my body instantly recognized where it had left off the day before. My mind started wondering both how I could have forgotten this unimaginable state and why i would say yes to going there again. However, something was profoundly different. Instead of resisting the experience, I allowed it. I kept hearing Dr. T’s voice in my head saying, “Yes, yes, it’s OK.” As I allowed the experience to take effect, I also reassured my mind that I did not need to control the experience in order to make sure that I received some preconceived benefit. I think I recall saying the word “Yes” aloud.
My body, or soul, began to bloom like a flower in slow motion. Everything was a beautiful blue color. I was in the time period of my life when I was a young adult, somewhere around 18 or 19. I was happy and innocent, and had not yet developed all of the critical and damning judgments that now run through my mind on a daily basis. I was safe and loved. I was aware of my breathing, I could hear it move in and out of my lungs. It sounded like it was coming from far away, but was loud enough to sound similar to the sound of someone on life support. I allowed the softness and blue light to infuse me. I made sounds from deep within me that sounded loud but my partner said later were quite soft.
Eventually I had no real sense of my physical body. I was moving toward something golden and felt only immense pleasure and love. I felt as though knowledge was being transmitted to me in a way that is far more sophisticated than human communication and had none of the difficulties inherent in that. I knew I was in the presence of Source and that others were there with me and that there was a reason I was there. I felt no fear although my mind occasionally reared up to protest that this shouldn’t be happening. My partner sat next to me and I could sense her movements and found this comforting. I looked around, hoping to see the physical bodies of loves ones who have passed, but I saw no one. Still, I knew I was not alone.
The message was clear at the time but I sense that communicating it in words will be challenging. First, it was confirmed that my suspicions over the past several years about my power to help others heal were accurate. There didn’t need to be any discussion about this, it was just factual and we were moving on. Second, the person I was born as, the original T (me) is my genuine self and the truth of who I am . All of the layers of stuff that have piled up over the years are just disguises. I am kind. I do enjoy giving and helping others. I am here to do that. I’m not the broken evil person that I and others have made me out to be. I’ve been severely wounded, yes. But the original T is still alive and well. During the time I was receiving this information I just listened and received. I had an image as my soul being a form made of orange light laying in a fetal position. I had tilted my non-attached head up slightly, like a baby does when it’s lying on its belly and something catches its attention and it strains its neck to see it.
I became slightly more aware of my partner’s presence next to me, and had the knowledge that she was here to assist my healing. I began speaking to her although I don’t remember all of what I said. She put her hand on my shoulder and I could feel universal life energy coming through her and into me. I gently asked her to position her hands on different parts of my body and she did. The Ketamine was slowly beginning to lose effect and I had again become aware of my migraine and its increased intensity. It felt like a cold hard piece of steel lodged in the left occipital side of my brain. I asked her to put her hands on it and she did and it eased somewhat. I remember telling her “You have an incredible amount of power right now, please use it”. I felt her move so she was standing at the head of the table with her hands cradling my head.
I became more and more aware of the increasing pain in my head and neck. At that moment I realized that my thoughts that I had absorbed other people’s pain and trauma in my job as a therapist and that it was residing in my body were true. I knew that not only had I absorbed it but it had activated my own trauma leaving me defenseless against further injury. I had just been given the knowledge that I had the power to heal and I believed it so I didn’t understand why I couldn’t release this pain from my body. I began asking my partner to help me release it. It felt like it was ripping a hole in my flesh right under my left ear. I told my partner I wanted to allow it to flow out of me and through her into the earth but I was so afraid of what the pain would do to her body. What if it became lodged in her somewhere? I would never wish this particular pain on anyone, not even my worse enemy much less my loved one. And I had experienced how painful destructive and insidious it could be. My partner responded, “It’s OK, I can handle it. I’m too strong for it”.
So I allowed some of it to leak out into her, worrying as I did so, commanding it to enter the earth and not her body. I remember saying, “Whose pain is this”? As the Ketamine wore off, the pain became more and more intense. The ice pick that had been lodged in my neck prior to the infusion had become a full-blown axe splitting the left side of my skull open. Each beat of pain felt as if someone had a sledge-hammer above me, letting it fall sharply against my skull with each breath. I could only lay in a fetal position and think over and over again, as I often do in this severe pain I have become so familiar with, “Please, please, please, make it stop.”
To be continued…..