Dear Robin

Things have been different around here since you left. As a person who knows the high and the low and has envisioned the step you took, I was greatly affected by your decision. Many seemed comforted to find out you were facing a serious chronic illness. As if suddenly it all made sense.

The People magazine with your face on the cover stared at me for too many days from its place on top of the bathroom trashcan. One day I picked it up with a huff, deciding People had retouched your eye color. They made your eyes look too blue, like a black and white movie with the colors painted in. It reminded me of that movie you were in that I can’t remember the name of.

There were a few retrospective shows, some repeat performances, yada, yada. Then with Joan and football as distractions, everybody settled back down into their relative existences.

Today I read a whole magazine about you while I waited in a really long line in Safeway.

Look, what I really want to say is this. I don’t know what was going on in your mind right before you did what you did. But, why hanging? Because you couldn’t take it back?

I don’t want to talk bad about the dead. And I’ve been feeling spiritual lately and thinking a lot about compassion and not doing harm. But I’m pissed.

Look, what I really want to say, and I hope you take it in the best way possible, is fuck you.

Fuck you for going through with it and fuck you for getting to go when I’m still here and fuck you for setting such a fucking bad example and how could you do this to your kids????

How could I do it to my kid? Have I not yet been where you were, in the space right after you cross every con off your list?

Fuck, I’m sorry, Robin. You don’t know me. You don’t owe me anything. You’re just on the receiving end of a lot of things I’m pissed about right now.

That’s about all I’ve got for now, Robin. Except, say Hi to my dad for me, will ya?

Love, T

 

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2 thoughts on “Dear Robin

  1. I firmly believe no one wants to die. If they could just shed the skin they’re in and try on a suit free of pain, they’d want to live forever. But they can’t endure the pain any longer. And I understand that somewhat. Not the mental anquish but certainly the physical. He gave the world all he had of himself for a very long time. I’m grateful for that.

    Note: This cancels out your curse. But I’m piggybacking your request to have him say hi to my mom on the way to your dad.

    Nice blog, regardless.

  2. wow…great blog…I have little personal sympathy for anyone who is suicidal or threatening suicide, and it’s always a shock because it’s the quiet ones that actually do it, like RW as you speak to him here. Very well written, glad I discovered your blog 🙂 ~MB

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